Whose “should” is that?

Early on, you picked up some rules. Nobody handed you a list. You just watched what got praised and what got a look.

Be useful. Don’t make a fuss. Finish what you start. Take the safe job. Put everyone else’s plate first. Want things quietly, if at all.

You followed them so well that you stopped hearing them. Now they just sound like you. “I should call her back.” “I can’t leave that to anyone else.” “It’s too late to start something new.” Somewhere along the way, you stopped asking who wrote them.

Inherited obligations are the “shoulds” you carry without ever having chosen them.

Reasonable. Responsible. Grateful. Somebody taught you to call those virtues. Funny how they always seem to mean stay small, stay in line, and know your place.

For two mornings, we take your “shoulds” out one at a time and ask three things. Where did you learn this? Who does it serve? What is it costing you? We do it out loud, in a small group, with someone who will ask the next question when you would rather skip it.

Some of them will hold up. Keep those, and carry them on purpose.

Others came from a parent, a boss, a school, or the family member giving the side-eye at every gathering. Those you can set down.

A pile of obligations looks like one giant, immovable thing, until you pull it apart into a list of small, specific questions. Each question has an answer you can act on. You do not have to fix your life. You find the first piece and move it.